


All’s Fair In Love and War

by the_technicolor_whiscash



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Alcohol, Coffee, Depression, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Passing Out, Post-Canon, hangovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 11:57:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12387612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_technicolor_whiscash/pseuds/the_technicolor_whiscash
Summary: Joel Robinson decided to go to the bar for a drink. He runs into someone he wasn’t expecting.





	All’s Fair In Love and War

**Author's Note:**

> Joike. Why is the canon pronunciation so absurd.

Joel sat down heavily at the bar and ran a hand through his hair. His life had hit a rough patch. It wasn’t that anything had changed, necessarily, but it was the middle of winter, the weather was cold and dreary, and his seasonal depression was hitting hard. So he had decided to stop by the bar near his hot fish shop for a stiff drink. 

He ordered a James Bond-style vodka martini and began sipping at it. Though the alcohol burned going down, he barely noticed. His mind was a million miles away. 

Suddenly, someone sat down next to him, jarring him from his stupor. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Joel glanced over and realized that it was none other than Mike. Mike, who last he saw, was on the Satellite of Love. Mike, who gave him an odd twinge of emotion within himself. “Mike? Since when did you get to earth?”

“The Satellite crashed a few months ago.”

“And the Bots…?”

“Oh, they’re fine. Gypsum went off to start her own company, but the rest of the Bots are living with me.”

“That’s good. I assume they’re doing well?”

“Yeah, though they’re still adjusting to life on earth.” He chuckled. “Then again, so am I.”

Joel smiled slightly. “I know the feel. It took me forever to adjust to the fact that no one was forcing me to watch terrible movies.” 

“So how’ve you been, man? Life been treating you well on earth?”

The true answer was no, but Joel wasn’t about to tell Mike that. Especially not while he was slightly buzzed, and beginning to work out what exactly the emotion was he felt towards this man. So he lied through his teeth. “Yeah, things have been good. Hot fish shop is going well.” 

Mike seemed to noticed that something was off, but didn’t comment on it. “That’s good. Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Oh, god. That was never good. Wait, what did Joel even have to lose? He barely knew this guy, and vice versa. Even if the other man made his heart race, and his palms sweaty, and… oh no. Not that. Not now. He couldn’t possibly be… could he? It had been so long since he had felt _that_ towards another human being, he had almost forgotten what it meant. But he knew now. And it wasn’t something he exactly wanted to face. 

Joel merely nodded in response. He worried that if he spoke, his voice might come out in a squeak. 

Luckily, Mike didn’t seem to notice Joel’s sudden realization. “Why didn’t you just take the Bots and me back down to earth when you went up there? You were acting really weird about it.”

Joel felt his heart sink into his stomach. Ah. That old thing. “It’s a long story, but basically what happened is that my ship was only built for one person. Anyone else, and the life support systems would fail. It was barely hanging on in the first place.” He sighed. “Plus, I didn’t want to get your hopes up. It was easier to just convince you to stay on the Satellite on your own accord.” 

“Oh. Huh. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Trust me, I would have saved you guys if it wasn’t for that garbage ship.”

“I believe you, man.”

They fell into silence, leaving Joel to once again stew in his own thoughts. Damnit. He couldn’t possibly be in love with Mike. He barely knew him. And yet, even just seeing him sent his heart aflutter. Perhaps it was just the vodka talking. Yes, that must be it. Alcohol often makes people feel things they might regret. Though he didn’t necessarily _regret_ what he felt towards Mike. It just wasn’t the right time. 

Before he even realized it, he had downed several more vodkas. He was now significantly more drunk. And about to throw up. He had never been entirely good at handling alcohol, and it showed. 

And then, just like that, he awoke face-down in bed, a headache splitting through his head like an axe. His first thought was that maybe he had been hit by a truck, and was now in the hospital for a traumatic injury. Then, he realized it was just a really bad hangover. Subsequently, he realized this was not his bed. And that he was still wearing his clothes from the day before. And that he still had to throw up. 

He rolled out of bed and stumbled through the room. It took him another moment to realize that he must’ve taken his contacts out before he had gone to bed, because everything was semi-blurry. Thankfully, someone had placed his glasses on the bedside table, so he put them on. 

The room was simple. It had a bed, a dresser, a few shelves, and a small tv. The carpet was soft under Joel’s feet. His eyes were drawn to a picture on a shelf located directly above the bed. His brain registered that it was a framed picture of Mike and the Bots, but he didn’t yet put two and two together. His hangover-ridden mind couldn’t do that much thinking just yet. 

He approached the door, and eventually remembered how to open it. Stumbling down the hall, he eventually found a bathroom, in which he promptly threw up in. Twice. 

Evidently he had made a lot of noise while he was upchucking, because someone knocked on the door behind him while he was slouched over the toilet bowl. Instead of turning around to see who it was, he threw up again. 

“Yikes. I tried to tell you that you were probably drinking too much last night.” Mike’s voice said from behind him. 

Memories of last night began to float back to Joel. He had gotten pretty hammered, tried to build a plane out of empty bottles, got into an argument with the bartender, was thrown out of the bar, and then Mike took him back to his apartment, where he passed out on the floor. A flattering impression on the man who he was in love with, to be sure. 

Joel groaned. “God. Why did I do that.”

“I remember you saying something about you wanting to ‘drink away your problems.’” Mike put a hand on Joel’s shoulder. “Joel, are you alright? You seem like you’re really not happy.” 

Joel laid his forehead onto the cool porcelain of the toilet with no regard for how filthy it might have been. “I’ve… hit a bit of a rough patch. Nothing’s really wrong, but my seasonal depression’s been kicking up. I don’t really have that many friends since I’ve gotten back to earth, and the winter just kind of gets to me.”

“Well, the Minnesota winters can do that to you. But you should’ve just told me what’s bothering you. You’re depressed.” 

“I know, I know. It’s just, we don’t know each other very well, and I didn’t really want to bother you.” 

“Dude, we were both on that Satellite for five years at a time. That’s one major thing we have in common. And besides, even if I don’t know you very well, I still want to help you. You’re a good guy, Joel. Even if you do make terrible life choices sometimes.” 

Joel chuckled. “I guess that many vodka martinis counts as a bad life choice.”

“I would say so. I never really pictured you as a vodka martini guy, anyways.”

“Well, it’s easier than just saying ‘hand me the bottle.’” He paused, as a half formed thought became fully formed, and turned to look at Mike. “Where’re the Bots? I thought you said they lived with you.”

“Oh, they do. They’re out grocery shopping right now.” 

“You trust them to do that?”

“There’s a thirty percent chance they’ll both die, but I didn’t want to up and leave while you were still passed out.”

“I remember passing out on the floor. How did I get into that bed?”

Mike’s face grew slightly pink. “Ah. Yeah, I kind of had to carry you. You know, you’re lighter than you look.”

The thought of himself being passed out and carried by Mike caused Joel to blush as well. “I’m sure you could have left me on the floor.” 

“I wouldn’t have done that. Besides, like I said, you’re lighter than you look.”

Joel tasted bile in his mouth. He managed to croak out a quick “Thanks,” before once again hurling into the toilet. 

“Jesus. Listen, I’ll go make you some coffee, you just wait here. There’s some aspirin in the cabinet if you want some.” 

After Mike left, Joel pulled himself up and trudged over to the bathroom cabinet. He felt a little awkward going through Mike’s cabinet, but the need for headache medicine outweighed his worries. 

He briefly glanced through the cabinet before his eyes finally landed on Tylenol. Mike had everything a human might need in a medicine cabinet, alongside something else. 

‘Condoms?’ Joel thought to himself. ‘What could Mike possibly need condoms for?’ Unless… could he have a girlfriend? Joel felt his heart crash into his already sick stomach. Of course. Mike was still pretty young, and attractive, and had lived an interesting life. He was a catch. Of course he had a girlfriend. 

Joel popped a Tylenol and shut the cabinet. His stomach was beginning to settle, but he didn’t really want to leave the bathroom yet, so he sat on the floor in front of the vanity. Mike came in a minute or so later, holding two cups of coffee.

He handed one to Joel, who gladly accepted. “Here you go. You’re looking better already.” 

“Thanks.” He sipped the coffee. Slightly darker than he would normally take it, but he wasn’t about to complain. His thoughts returned to the concept of Mike being taken, and immediately he felt worse. 

“The Bots’ll be home soon, if you want to see them.”

The thought was enticing, but he didn’t want the robots to see him in such a state. “Nah, I should probably get going. Things to do, people to see.”

Mike frowned. “Alright, now you’re not even trying with your lies.”

Joel sighed. “I just don’t want them to see me miserable and hungover. That’s all.”

“Why should that matter? They’ve seen me miserable and hungover loads of times!”

“Yeah, but I… I don’t know, I kind of feel like I’m their father, and I don’t want to leave a bad impression on them.”

“Joel, you know they won’t care about that. They’re robots.”

“Robots with human personalities.” 

“You’re right about that one.” Mike took a sip of his own coffee and sighed. “Fine, if you really don’t want to see them, I won’t push it. Though I do think it might be good for you to see them.”

“We can save that for another day. Just for now, I want to go home and sleep for fifteen hours.”

“I understand. Want me to drive you?”

Joel felt like someone had shot him in the heart. How dare this man be so considerate. It wasn’t fair. “No thanks. I can probably just walk. It’s not far.” 

“Alright, man. It was good to see you again.” Mike said, holding out a hand. 

Joel shook it. Even the brief moment of contact sent sparks through him. “Good seeing you too.” 

As Joel walked out of Mike’s apartment, Mike stopped him. “Hey, uh…” He very clearly wanted to say something, but was unable to get it out of his mouth for several seconds. He was also turning a bright shade of pink. “You look good in glasses. Just. Thought you ought to know that. Goodbye.”

Before Joel could even respond, Mike had disappeared back into the apartment and closed the door. Joel took a second pondering what had just happened. His hand subconsciously went up and touched the middle of his glasses, pushing them further up onto the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath, leveling his heart rate before he proceeded out of the apartment building. 

 

In all actuality, Joel had not expected to see Mike again. He would have understood, though his heart might have been crushed. But who would want to hang out with a man who you’ve only met three times in your life, and one of those times, he passed out on your floor? And so he prepared for the event of never seeing him again. And besides, Mike probably had a girlfriend or something. He wouldn’t just want to leave them for the depressed inventor. 

But he did see Mike again. That day, Joel had heard the doorbell ring, and expected it to be someone delivering a package or something. Instead, it was Mike. Mike, who looked incredibly anxious. 

“Mike? Wh… how did you find my house?” 

“Yellowpages. I… uh… I wanted to see how you were doing.”

Joel felt his heart melt. Damnit. He was just too sweet. “I’m doing alright. You wanna come in for a cup of coffee or something?”

“I mean, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Of course not. If anything, it’s to pay you back for letting me crash at your place. And for throwing up in your toilet.” He opened the door and ushered Mike inside. “Welcome to the Casa Del Joel.”

“It’s nice.” 

“Thanks. It’s not much, but it’s home.” Joel walked mike into the kitchen and began brewing a pot of coffee. “How’re the Bots doing?”

“Sad that they missed you, but otherwise they’re doing well.”

“Well, that’s good. Maybe I can see them some other day.”

Mike evidently really liked that idea, and his face lit up. It was adorable. “That’s a great idea. Maybe we could go to lunch or the mall or something, make a day out of it.”

“Sounds good to me.” He thought back to the night at the bar. “Hey, uh, can I ask, why were you at the bar the other night?”

Mike sighed. “I needed some time to myself. The Bots, though I love them like my children or weird younger brothers, can be a serious handful.” 

“Sorry for ruining your alone time. If I’d’ve known…”

“Joel, don’t worry about it.” Mike smiled a beautiful, sincere smile. “I was glad to see you again. Am glad to see you again. There’s very few people who went through the same experiences we did. It’s… nice to talk to someone who knows what it’s like up there.”

This was too much. He knew he couldn’t keep it in any longer. And it was probably best if he didn’t. But it would be so embarrassing if Mike didn’t feel the same… no. He couldn’t think like that. He would just have to out and say it, consequences be damned. 

Joel rubbed a hand over his forehead and sighed. “God.” 

Mike immediately looked concerned. “Did I say something wrong? I… I…” He stammered. 

“No, no. You didn’t say anything wrong. It’s just… Mike, I have something to tell you, and if it makes you not want to talk to me ever again I understand.”

“Jeez, Joel, what is it? You’re scaring me here.”

Joel took a deep breath. “I think I’m in love with you, Mike. And if you don’t feel the same, if you have a girlfriend or something…”

Mike sighed in relief. “Thank god. I was worried you were about to confess that you’re into furry porn or something.” 

Before Joel could reply, Mike had pressed his lips to his in a kiss. After the initial shock, Joel quickly embraced the feeling of Mike’s lips against his. He grasped the fabric of Mike’s shirt and pulled the taller man even closer towards him. Mike’s arms wrapped around him, palms splayed against his back. 

After some time of this, they broke apart. Joel moved one of his hands up to cup Mike’s cheek, and gently stroked him with his thumb. 

“So I guess that means you like me too.” Joel said, breaking the silence. 

“Yes. I do.” Mike replied, smiling widely. 

“Good. I’m glad.” He paused. “Hold on, that still doesn’t answer the question of the condoms I found in your medicine cabinet.”

“Oh, those are old. Like, really old. Like, so old I don’t want to even admit how old they are. I don’t get a lot of bedroom action.”

A spark appeared in Joel’s eye. “Would you like some?”

Mike raised an eyebrow. “It’s like 2:30 in the afternoon.”

“Yeah. And?”

“Good point.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one sitting because I was really inspired and really wanted these nerds to make out


End file.
